Practical MIDI

The year was 1979 and I was watching The Tonight Show. Johnny Carson’s guest that night was George Carlin and he was doing a skit featuring Carl Closeout, a late-night record pitchman. He went on to name a few long, drawn-out Country Western song titles he’d made up. Among those titles were these gems:

• Throwin’ Barstools Through The Window Just A-Waitin’ Here For You
• Drinkin’ Beer and Passin’ Out
• Every Time I Look At You I Realize You’re Tall
• I Got You Out Of My Heart But I Can’t Get You Out Of My Apartment

Well, sometimes that’s all it takes to inspire me. The next day as I sat at my desk at work, I thought about those titles and what great parody songs they’d make. By the time I went home for lunch that day I had my ideas formulated. I grabbed my guitar and a simple cassette recorder and laid down a rough take of “Barstools.” Later that summer, for my birthday, my wife bought me one hour of recording time at a local studio. By this time I had perfected the song in my head and since I had at one time or another played every position in various bands, I was able to lay all the tracks down myself, one at a time. When my hour was up I had a finished 4-piece version of the song mixed down onto cassette, with me playing all the parts and singing it as well.


Another couple of years passed with me occasionally playing this song and a few others in my band. They went over fairly well and it gave me the idea for step two of my master plan—to contact George Carlin and see if he’d like to hear what I’d done with his titles. That was easier said than done. I wrote to his Atlantic Records address only to find out he’d switched labels. My letter came back. I tried Little David Records and again my letter was returned. On my third try to his current record label I was more successful, or so I thought. At least the letter didn’t come back. However, it was another two years with no word from George and I figured he just wasn’t interested.

Then one day at work my wife called my office all excited. She told me that George Carlin had called our house looking for me. She got his personal phone number and told him she’d have me call him right back. Well, I was thinking ahead that day and before calling him back, I drove down to the nearest Radio Shack and purchased a small suction cup microphone that attached to my phone. Now I was ready to call my comic hero and I wanted to make sure I recorded the conversation so everyone would believe me when I told them this story I’m about to tell you.

I got through to George and he was as cordial as if I’d been talking to my next-door neighbor. He made small talk with me for a minute and then told me he was doing a concert in Milwaukee, just 50 miles south of me, the following month. He said he’d leave a pair of tickets at the box office in my name and that after the show I should come backstage and chat for a while. Before he hung up, he told me that he had another title for me to try out. That one was, “I’ll Meet You In The Bedroom In My Underwear.” I thought that was hilarious and thanked him. Again I went home for lunch that day and within my allotted hour, I had the complete song, lyrics and music, down on my cassette recorder.

Skip ahead two weeks and I again found myself in the studio, this time with other members of my band. We laid down tracks for the other 4 songs and before I met George Carlin in Milwaukee I had a complete album (cassette) of parody Country material to present to him. Along with his 5 titles, I’d written several of my own including:

• ‘Tween You And My Horse That’s Two Nags In My Life
• Leave My Girlfriend’s Lumps Alone Or I’ll Give You A Few Of Your Own
• Texas Is Calling But My Hearing Aid Is On The Fritz
• Even When The Beer Wears Off You’ll Still Look Good To Me
• Grandma Got Hit By A Train
• I Got Lucky In Kentucky
• It Ain’t Over ‘Til The Fat Lady Sings
• You Broke My Heart And My Scale, Too

George’s third album was titled, “Occupation, Foole” and to pay homage to the man, I called my album “Apprentice Foole” since I considered myself his apprentice. He loved the play on words and I was backstage that night to present him with his very own copy. I left the theater feeling like a million bucks.

Skip ahead a few more years. I learned of a local songwriting contest sponsored by Kentucky Fried Chicken. I entered nearly all of the aforementioned songs and took first place, locally, with the “Two Nags” song. My other ditty, “You Broke My Heart and My Scale, Too” came in second. “Two Nags” went on to the national competition, where I took second place among 45,000 entries.


I’m still making music weekends around here and I play many of these songs in my solo act, thanks to MIDI, and they seem to go over pretty well. I burned copies of the album onto CD and have sold them during my performances. All in all, I’d say that’s not too bad for a self-confessed person who really doesn’t like Country Music.

©2007 Bill Bernico for CYBERMIDI.com Downwind Publications